PRACTICING SUBMISSION
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Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
Professor of Theology and Church History,
Andrews University


	Few Biblical injunctions can stir up as much emotion and
controversy as the command for the wife to submit to her husband (Eph 5:22,
24; Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1). Both liberal and evangelical feminists are
shocked and offended by this command. They view this command as a basic
denial of women's rights to equality with men. To correct this alleged
evil, the women's liberation movement is promoting marriages where roleless
partners match their career goals. The very titles "husband" or "wife" are
obsolete in such marriages. Each spouse has a right to terminate the
relationship when it is no longer beneficial to his or her
self-fulfillment.
	The traditional roles of wife, mother, and homemaker are being
deliberately and systematically dismantled, especially through the
influence of the Women's Libaration Movement on the public media. James
Dobson offers a most graphic description of this process, saying: "The
image of women now being depicted by the media is a ridiculous combination
of wide-eyed fantasy and feminist propaganda. Today's woman is always shown
as gorgeous, of corse, but she is more-much more. She roars around the
countryside in a racy sports car, while her male companion sits on the
other side of the front seat anxiously biting his nails. She
exudesself-confidence from the very tip of her fingers, and for good
reasons: she could dismantle any man alive with her karate chops and flying
kicks to the teeth. She is deadly accurate with a pistol and she plays
tennis (or football) like a pro. She speaks in perfectly organized
sentences, as though her spontaneous remarks were planned and written by a
team of tiny English professorssitting in the back of her pretty head. She
is a sexual gourmet, to be sure, but she wouldn't be caught dead in a
wedding ceremony. She has the grand good fortune of being perpetually young
and she never becomes ill, nor does she ever make a mistake or appear
foolish. In short, she is virtually omniscient, except for a curious
inability to do anything traditionally feminine, such as cook, sew, or
raise children. Truly, today's screen heroine is a remarkable specimen,
standing proud and uncompromosing, with wide stance and hands on her hips.
Oh, yeah! This baby has come a long way, no doubt about that."53

	Have Women Been Really Liberated? A fundamental problem with the
Women's Liberation Movement is that it assumes to liberate women by doing
away with divine plan for successful marital relationships. The plan
consists, as we have seen, of a relationship based on loving leadership and
loving submission. Women's libbers reject this divine plan, promoting
instead a contractual inter-relationship where each partner is free to come
or to go, to live in or to live out.
	In their struggle for women's rights, women's libbers, including
some evangelical Christians, have made the mistake of absolutizing their
own freedom. They have failed to realize that real freedom is to be found,
not by becoming centers of absolute will, but by living according to the
order of relationships established by God.
	The result of the women's liberation movement has been not a
greater liberation for women, but a rise in women's frustration, juvenile
delinquency, and divorce rate. Elizabeth Achtemeier offers the following
perceptive description of the results of feminist ideologies: "Some modern
so-called 'liberated' women have absolutized themselves by being so
concerned about their own rights that they have trampled over the rights of
their husbands and children. There is nothing more tragic these days than
those homes in which the marital relationship is being destroyed by
feminist ideologies. The wife has suddenly realized that she is an
'incomplete' or 'unfulfilled' person. So she has precipitously rushed out
and found a job, or is spending hours in women's meetings, or has abandoned
all those little courtesies, amenities, and mutual services which make the
life between a husband and wife possible. She has become an absolute
center of self-assertion, with no regard for the welfare and feelings of
her husband. Marriage is not possible under such circumstances, and it is
not surprising that many of the militant feminists are also divorced."54

	Finding Life by Losing it. Militant feminists have forgotten
Christ's counsel that we find our lives by losing them (Mark 8:35); we find
a "better relationship" not by fighting for our rights but by assuming our
God-given responsibilities. Biblical faith is concerned not with rights
but with responsibilities. A woman who insists on fighting for her rights
may eventually end up losing protection, sympathy, love, security, and even
her husband.
	From a Biblical perspective, we have no rights. All that we
have-life, love, forgiveness, freedom, companionship, and salvation-are
precious gifts offered to us by our gracious Savior so that we may use them
to bless others. This applies to God's command, "Husbands, love your
wives" and "Wives, be subject to your husbands" (Eph 5:21, 25). They were
given not to secure our rights, but to ensure a harmonious, happy
relationship.
	"When God said love and submit," writes Don Meredith, "there was
only good intended! Without love and submission, God cannot meet our
'aloneness' needs. Without love and submission, Christians are divided and
the cause of Christ is seemingly thwarted. If I do not submit myself to you
in humility, then I am a threat, a discouragement, a source of rejection
and judgment in your life. Unless I love you unconditionally, it will be
hard for you to submit to me. There are no agape relationships without both
love and submission."55

	The Model of Submission. Christ is the perfect model of both
loving headship and loving submission. Both of these roles function in
Christ not as limitations but as opportunities for greater service and
blessings. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul exhorts us to follow the
example of Christ's submissive attitude to find oneness with God and
others: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who,
being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to
be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he
humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on the cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that
is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in
heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Phil 2:5-11, NIV).
	Christ's submissive mental attitude enabled Him not to question his
Father's headship or to grasp for equal authority, even though He shared
the same divinity of the Father. He did not question the right of His
Father to function as His head, nor did He attempt to redefine the notion
of headship and submission through a "careful exegesis." Instead, he
submitted Himself to the Father by being obedient to the point of death on
the cross. The result of Christ's obedience is that the Father exalted Him
to the highest honor. Christ's example teaches us that in God's order,
submission is the way to glorification. The submission of Christ to the
headship of His Father provides us a model to understand the nature and
manner of a wife's submission to her husband.

	Submission as Loving Response. The headship of a husband consists,
as noted earlier, in providing a sacrificial and loving leadership to his
family members. Such a leadership provides the basis for a loving and
joyful submission on the part of the wife. The common abuse by men of
their headship as a "club" over their wives has led many women to see God's
command to submit as irrational and discriminatory. Some women will submit
to their husbands half-heartedly; that is, as a necessary divine
requirement rather than as a loving response. They hope that God will
reward their unwilling submission. Such legalistic submission is joyless,
frustrating, and often results in the dissolution of marriage.
	Legalistic submission fails to see that headship and submission
were given by God not to deprive us of something but to ensure a happy and
harmonious marital relationship. Without loving leadership and loving
submission, no successful relationship can be maintained. The fundamental
cause of legalistic headship or submission is self-centered, unyielding
wills clashing with God's commands. When by God's grace the battle of the
wills is dissolved, then we are able to accept and experience God's command
to love and submit, not as a source of strife, but of joy, order, blessing,
and security. The conflict over roles in marriage is caused not by a
mistake in God's job description of husbands and wives, but by sin,
manifested in self-centered, unyielding dispositions.
	God's plan for husbands to be loving, sacrificial heads and for
wives to be loving, respectful helpmates is designed to promote not
competition and conflicts, but completion and harmony. The two roles can
be compared to the lock and the key. If the lock wants to be the key or
the key wants to be the lock because either or both of them are unhappy
with their assigned roles, both of them become useless. It is only when
the lock and the key function as designed that they work properly. In the
same way, it is only when husband and wife function as loving head and
responsive helpmate, that their marital union will work properly in
accordance with God's design. Each spouse is unfulfilled alone, but
together they make a whole.

	Submission as Respect. The submission of a wife to her husband is
manifested especially through her respect for him. Paul summarizes his
exhortation to husbands and wives, saying: "Let each one of you love his
wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph
5:33). Respect is something that must be gained through proper conduct.
When a Christian husband exercises a loving, sacrificial headship, his wife
finds him worthy of trust, honor, and respect.
	Respect is an essential quality of love. If love is to grow
through the years, it must be based on mutual respect. In his epistle to
Titus, Paul encourages older women to teach younger wives "to love their
husbands" (Titus 2:4). The fact that Paul exhorts wives "to respect" their
husbands in Ephesians and "to love" them in Titus shows that in the
apostle's mind, love and respect go hand in hand.
	A wife can show respect toward her husband in different ways: by
accepting and affirming his moral and spiritual leadership in the home; by
deferring to him certain decisions, questions, or problems; by admiring and
praising him for his achievements; by putting him first when planning
activities; by supporting his financial plans. When a man knows that his
wife respects, supports, and admires him, no sacrifice will be too great
for him.

	Submission as Acceptance. The submissive wife accepts her husband
the way he is, without conditioning her love to changes in his behavior.
We learn to accept and love unconditionally our husbands or our wives by
realizing how God accepts us: "God shows his love for us in that while we
were yet sinners Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8).
	At times a wife may feel that it is impossible for her to accept
her husband the way he is. Humanly speaking this may well be true, but as
she accepts and experiences God's unconditional love, she is empowered to
accept and love her husband unconditionally.
	In her book, You Can Be the Wife of a Happy Husband, Darien Cooper
says: "When you accept your husband the way he is, you will give him the
freedom to be the man he wants to be. He will have freedom to come and go
as he pleases and to make his own decisions. In other words, true love is
letting go! Your husband will love you freely as he did when he chose to
marry you unless you stifle that love with your possessiveness."56
	As a plant needs good soil, water, and sun to grow healthy, so a
man needs the unconditional love and acceptance of his wife to live a
healthy, happy, and satisfying life. When a husband feels that he is
constantly on trial, that he has to constantly prove himself worthy to his
wife, he becomes discouraged and tempted to look for another woman who will
accept him the way he is.
	It is the work of the Holy Spirit to convict a person of his or her
wrongdoings (John 16:8-11). When we take upon ourselves the job of
convicting our spouses of their mistakes, we get in God's way and hinder
the work of His Spirit. This does not mean that a wife should ignore her
husband's wrongdoing. To do so would be morally irresponsible. The
submissive wife can and must express her concerns and views freely. In
fact, a mature husband will want her to do so. But once a wife has told
her husband in what way she thinks he is wrong, she should not continue to
nag him on that matter. Instead, she should place her trust in God's
ability to convict and change her husband.
	"It might be comforting to realize," rightly observes Darien
Cooper, "that negative traits are distorted positive traits. If negative
traits can be modified or channeled in the right direction, they can become
strengths. Stubbornness can become perseverance. Cowardice can be turned
to gentleness. Tactlessness can be turned to frankness. If you trust
Jesus Christ to take care of your husband's problems and fix your mind on
his assets, you can help him turn bad traits into good ones."57

	Submission as Putting Husband First. As believers, we submit
ourselves to Christ by placing Him first in our lives. Our submission to
Christ is presented in Ephesians 5:24 as the model of the wife's submission
to her husband. When Jesus is first in a woman's life, He will enable her
to place her husband first in her thoughts and actions. A man who has the
assurance of being first in his wife's life will be able to face
challenges with greater courage and self-confidence.
	Placing your husband first means avoiding certain negative
attitudes and actions. One of these is criticism of your husband's
character or performance, especially in front of others. This can hurt him
even more than a slap on the face. True "love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres" (1 Cor 13:6-7).
	Another negative attitude to avoid is selfishness. A submissive
wife will consider her husband's likes or dislikes when purchasing clothes,
planning a meal, accepting or rejecting an invitation to a program or
social function. Darien Cooper asks wives: "Do you plan your activities
so you can stop and visit with him if he should need to talk when he gets
home from work? Remember, he can easily tell if he does not have your
complete attention when he talks to you. The uninterested look on your
face, glancing at the clock or out of the window, or yawning will give you
away. Your interest must be sincere."58
	 A submissive wife will also avoid jealousy and possessiveness.
She will not deny her husband some legitimate pleasures that could draw him
away from her. A wife who resents the time consuming career or activities
of her husband may be loving herself more than her husband.
	Putting your husband first means also centering all your activities
around the husband. Good things such as children, homemaking, in-laws,
appearance, church or civic functions can easily get out of balance,
controlling the time and interest of a wife. It is therefore essential for
a wife to learn to balance her activities in such a way that they are the
spokes circling the hub, which is the husband, and not vice versa. If the
spokes are well-proportioned and balanced, the wheel, that is, marital
life, will roll smoothly. On the contrary, if the spokes are out of
adjustment and unbalanced, the wheel will wobble and eventually will smash
in pieces.
	Putting your husband first means also supporting his financial
plans. This may require making the dollar stretch by being thrifty, as
described in Proverbs 31:13-14: "She seeks wool and flax, and works with
willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food
from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her
household and tasks for her maidens."

	Submission as Role-Acceptance. Headship and submission are roles
established by God to ensure order, peace, and harmony in the home. The
submissive wife accepts her role as homemaker and mother, finding joy in
fulfilling such roles creatively, efficiently, and lovingly.
	Radical feminists belittle the role of homemaker and mother,
promoting instead the male's roles. For them, the only life worth living
is a man's life. To be successful, a woman must strive to achieve the
attributes, goals, and performances of a man. In their striving to be like
men, women are in danger of losing their feminine qualities which make them
attractive to men. Women who become hard and aggressive in competing with
men often discover to their sorrow that they are treated as if they were
men. Competition damages something which is basic and precious to a right
relationship between men and women.
	Our families, churches, and societies need women who are willing to
accept their vital role as wives, homemakers, and mothers. God has
equipped women with unique biological and spiritual resources needed for
the survival and growth of the home. Biologically, God has endowed every
woman with the marvelous capacity to conceive and nourish human life in her
womb. Spiritually, God has endowed every woman who becomes a mother with
the unique power to mold her children's characters for time and eternity.
	A woman who willingly and joyfully accepts her role of wife,
mother, and homemaker can experience greater reward and fulfillment than
any academic or business career can provide. No greater joy and
satisfaction can come to a woman than to have her children rising up and
calling her "blessed" and her husband praising her, saying: "Many women
have done excellently, but you surpass them all" (Prov 31:28-29).

	Submission as Acceptance of the Husband's Leadership. God's order
for the home is for the husband to serve as a loving leader and for the
wife to accept his leadership (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:23). This order has
been divinely established to ensure harmony, happiness, and protection. A
home with two heads or with the wife as the head is an abnormality because
it distorts the distinctive male-female roles.
	"As homes have become more wife-dominated," writes Darien Cooper,
"there has been a rise in juvenile delinquency, rebellion, homosexuality,
the divorce rate, and the number of frustrated women because the home was
designed by God to run efficiently with the man as the leader. Ignoring
this principle of his leadership or devising substitutes creates untold
problems."59
	The wife who accepts and responds to her husband's leadership finds
protection and satisfaction in the role God designed for her. She enjoys
freedom from pressures and problems she is not supposed to carry. A major
concern of my wife when I am away from home is that she may have to deal
with some unexpected problems that I usually handle: a burned water pump,
a stalled furnace, malfunctioning air-conditioning, leaking faucets or
roofs, flat tires, disciplining children. It is reassuring for her to know
that "I am around" to take care of such unexpected problems. This gives
her peace of mind and freedom to pursue her various activities which do not
conflict with her role of wife and mother. By accepting my leadership in
the home, my wife is relieved of many worries while I am challenged to
develop my God-given strengths and abilities.

	Submission Is Not Slavery. A Christian woman, who by God's
enabling grace submits to her husband, is not in danger of becoming a
slave. On the contrary, she may discover that her submissive attitude
inspires her husband to be more thoughtful and kind toward her. Usually, a
submissive wife enjoys a happier relationship with her husband than does a
dominating wife. She will certainly enjoy a closer walk with God when she
knows that she obeys God's command by being submissive to her husband than
when she disobeys God by dominating her husband.
	Domineering wives have caused great misery to themselves and to
their partners. A woman who is aggressive and dominates her husband in the
early years of marriage may discover to her disappointment that later in
life, she will loathe the man she has trained to be submissive to her
because she has no one to lean upon.
	Submission does not mean that a woman cannot voice her opinion.
Rather, it means that she will speak "the truth in love" (Eph 4:15) and
comply with her husband's decisions to the best of her abilities. "Always
remember," writes Tim LaHaye, "you reap far more than you sow. If you sow
submission in obedience to God, you will reap blessings in abundance; if
you sow rebellion in disobedience to the will of God, you will reap
abundant misery."60

CONCLUSION

	The rejection of the Biblical view of role distinction within
marriages is a major cause of marriage break ups today. Scripture clearly
presents the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife as an
order established by God to ensure unity and harmony in the home.
Practicing headship does not mean lording over the wife or family members
but rather providing a caring leadership which ensures the physical,
emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs of our wives and
children. Similarly, practicing submission does not mean serving the
husband as a slave but rather willingly and joyfully to accept the
husband's loving leadership.
	The fact that God has given a different roles for husbands and
wives to fulfill does not mean that one is inferior to the other. Each
role is equal in importance though different in function. The role of a
husband complements that of a wife as a key complements a lock. Either is
incomplete without the other. Respecting the husband/wife role
distinctions is essential to ensuring the stability of the marriage
covenant.

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Christian regards

Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University
4990 Appian Way
Berrien Springs, MI 49103
samuele@andrews.edu