THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF A MARRIAGE COVENANT
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Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University


NOTE: This is the third segment of the series on how to build a
happy and lasting marital relationship following Biblical principles. In
this segment, which is divided in two parts, we consider how the first four
commandments apply to the marriage relationship.


	Both the covenant between God and His people and the covenant
between marital partners entail privileges and obligations. The privileges
of the old covenant included God's choice of the Israelites as His special
people, His promise to bless them, to give them the land of Canaan, to send
them a Redeemer, to reveal to them His will and to make them His chosen
instruments for the conversion of the world. The obligations consisted of
the commitment of the people to obey the principles of conduct God gave to
them in the form of commandments (Ex 24:3). God's choice of the Hebrew
slaves as His own people was unconditional: "The Lord your God has chosen
you to be a people for his own possession, out of all the people that are
on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than
any other people that the Lord set his love upon you and chose you, for you
were the fewest of all peoples; but it was because the Lord loves you . .
." (Deut 7:6-8)
	While God's covenantal commitment to Israel was unconditional, the
blessings of the covenant were conditional. If the people obeyed God's
commandments, then "the Lord your God will keep with you the covenant . . .
he will love you, bless you, and multiply you . . ." (Deut 7:12-13). God
spelled out the obligations of the covenant in terms of commandments.
These included the Ten Commandments as well as other regulations governing
their social and religious life.
	Sinai Covenant and Marriage Covenant. It is an enlightening
exercise to compare the Sinai covenant with the marriage covenant by
interpreting the Ten Commandments as ten principles of conduct for married
people. Paul Stevens has produced a most perceptive comparison between the
two covenants by means of the following table:

Covenant Between			Covenant Between
Israel and Yahweh			Wife and Husband

1. No other Gods			1. Exclusive loyalty to my spouse

2. No graven image		2. Truthfulness and faithfulness

3. Not taking the Lord's	3. Honoring my spouse in public
   name in vain			   and private

4. Remembering sabbath day	4. Giving my spouse time and rest

5. Honoring father and mother	5. Rightly relating to parents and
					   parents-in-law

6. No murder			 6. Freedom from hatred, destructive
					    anger and uncontrolled emotions

7. No adultery			 7. Sexual faithfulness; controlled
					    appetites

8. No stealing			 8. True community of property with
					    the gift of privacy

9. No false testimony		9. Truthful communication

10. No coveting			10. Contentment: freedom from
					    demands14

	This table shows that the implications of the Ten Commandments for
the marriage covenant are profound. To appreciate these more fully, we
shall briefly reflect on how each of the Ten Commandments apply to the
marriage covenant. These reflections are an expansion and modification of
Paul Steven's exercise called "marital meditations based on the
commandments."15

	The First Commandment of the Sinai covenant summons the Israelites
to worship only Yahweh who delivered them from Egyptian bondage: "You
shall have no other gods before me" (Ex. 20:3). In this commandment God
appeals to us to put Him first in our affections, in harmony with Christ's
injunction to seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness (Matt 6:33).
We can violate the spirit of the first commandment by putting our trust and
confidence in such human resources as knowledge, wealth, position and
people.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the first commandment calls us to
give exclusive loyalty to our spouse. In practice, this means making our
spouse the most important person in our life after God. It means not
allowing such matters as professional pursuits, parents, children, friends,
hobbies, and possessions to become our first love and thus take the first
place in our affections which is to be reserved for our spouse. It also
means not amending the commandment by making our loyalty to our spouse
contingent on other factors, as when people say: "I am prepared to give
priority to my spouse as long as it does not hinder my professional
pursuits." The first commandment, then, calls us to give unconditional and
exlusive loyalty to our spouse.

	The Second Commandment of the Sinai covenant emphasizes God's
spiritual nature (John 4:24) by prohibiting idolatry: "You shall not make
for yourself a graven image . . . you shall not bow down to them or serve
them" (Ex 20:4-5). The commandment does not necessarily prohibit the use
of illustrative material for religious instruction. Pictorial
representations were employed in the sanctuary (Ex 25:17-22), in Solomon's
Temple (1 Kings 6:23-26) and in the "brasen serpent" (Num 21:8,9; 2 Kings
18:4). What the commandment conmdemns is the veneration or adoration of
religious images or pictures since these are human creations and not the
Divine Creator.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the second commandment enjoins us
to be truthful and faithful to our spouse. Just as we can be unfaithful to
God, we can also be unfaithful to our spouse by having false image of
her/him in our mind. In practice, this may mean trying to shape our
partner into our own image of an "ideal spouse" by nagging or manipulating
threats or rewards. It may mean clinging to false images of love
relationships with real or fantasy partners. It may also mean making an
idol of social relationships outside marriage. This would include forming
relationships with friends or relatives that are closer than those with
one's spouse. The second commandment, then, summons us to be truthful and
faithful to our spouse by not making idols of anything that can weaken our
marriage covenant.

	The Third Commandment builds upon the preceding two commandments by
inculcating reverence for God: "You shall not take the name of the Lord in
vain" (Ex 20:7). Those who serve only the true God and serve Him not
through false images or idols but in spirit and truth will show reverence
to God by avoiding any careless or unnecessary use of His holy name.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the third commandment summons us
to respect and honor our spouses in public and private. In practice, this
means respecting our spouses by showing them deference and courtesy both in
public and private. It means avoiding belittling our spouses, or cutting
them off before the children or on social occasions. It also means not
taking our spouses' presence for granted as though they were just another
person. The third commandment, then, enjoins us to show respect toward our
spouses by avoiding words or actions that can belittle them and thus weaken
our marriage covenants.

	The Fourth Commandment calls us to honor God by consecrating the
Sabbath time to Him: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days
you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a sabbath to
the Lord your God" (Ex 20:8-10). The first three commandments are
designed to remove obstacles to the true worship of God: the worship of
other gods, the worship of God through false images, and the lack of
reverence for God. Now that the obstacles have been removed, the fourth
commandment invites us to truly worship God, not through the veneration or
adoration of objects, but through the consecration of the Sabbath time to
God. Time is the essence of our lives. The way we use our time is
indicative of our priorities. By consecrating our Sabbath time to God we
show that our covenant commitment to Him is for real. We are willing to
offer Him not mere lip-service, but the service of our total being.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the fourth commandment invites us
to show our love to our spouses by setting aside a regular and special time
for them. In practice, this means learning to put aside our work or
personal pleasures on a regular basis, in order to listen to, to enjoy, to
celebrate and to cultivate the friendship of our spouses. It means,
especially, using the climate of peace and tranquillity of the Sabbath day
as an opportunity to draw closer to God and to our marital partners. It
means taking time, especially on the Sabbath, to walk together, to relax
together, to read together, to appreciate good music together, to meditate
together, to pray together, to visit together, to bless our spouses in
every way their need to be blessed.
	The celebration of the Sabbath, the sign of our covenant commitment
to God (Ex 31:13; Ez. 20:12), can strengthen the marriage covenant in
two ways: theologically and practically. Theologically, the Sabbath being
a sign of our sacred covenantal commitment to God, serves to remind us as
marital partners of the sanctity of our covenant commitment to our spouses.
Practically, the Sabbath offers time and opportunities to Christian couples
to strengthen their marriage covenants by coming closer to one another.
The Fourth Commandment, then, calls us to show in a concrete way our
covenantal commitment to our marriage partners by setting aside a regular
and special time for them.

	The Fifth Commandment enjoins us to honor and respect our parents:
"Honor your father and your mother" (Ex 20:12). The first four
commandments tell us how to show our covenantal commitment to God while the
last six commandments teach us how to love our fellow beings. Since
parents stand as the representatives of God to their children, it is
logical and fitting that the second table of the law begins with our duties
toward our parents. The way we respect and obey our parents is indicative
of our obedience and respect for God and for those placed in authority over
us.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the fifth commandment calls us to
rightly relate to our parents and to our spouses' parents. We do not evade
our responsibility toward our parents as they grow old. As married
persons, we assume responsibility for our parents rather than to them. In
practice, this involves welcoming our respective parents to our home
without allowing them to control our home. It involves working out with
our spouse how to honor our respective parents in their old age or when
ill. It involves seeking our parents' counsel, without allowing them to
dictate their ideas. It involves honoring our spouse's parents by not
making constant jokes about our in-laws. The fifth commandment, then,
enjoins us to rightly relate to the parents of each spouse by respecting
and supporting them without allowing them to interfere in our marital
relationship and thus weaken our marriage covenant.

	The Sixth Commandment orders us to respect others by not taking
their lives: "You shall not kill" (Ex 20:13). Jesus magnified the
meaning of this commandment to include anger and hate (Matt 5:21,22; cf. 1
John 3: 14,15). This commandment forbids not only physical violence to the
body, but also moral injury to the soul. We break it when, by our example,
words, or actions, we lead others to sin, thus contributing to the
destruction of their souls (Matt 10:28).
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the sixth commandment calls us to
renounce hatred and destructive anger. In practice, this commandment
forbids abusing our spouses verbally or physically. It forbids provoking
our spouses to anger by criticising them appearance, speech, actions, or
decisions. It forbids nourishing hostile feelings toward our spouses and
attempting through words or actions to destroy their integrity. It forbids
harping on at past offenses which have been confessed and forgiven. It
challenges us to offer our spouses constructive and not destructive
criticism. The sixth commandment, then, calls us to renounce any form of
hatred or hostility that can hurt our spousse and thus weaken our marriage
covenants.

	The Seventh Commandment explicitly enjoins sexual faithfulness:
"You shall not commit adultery" (Ex 10:14). Jesus magnified this
commandment to include not only the physical act of adultery but also any
kind of impure act, word or thought (Matt 5:27,28). The seventh
commandment summons us to be faithful to our marriage covenant by
refraining from illicit sexual acts or thoughts.
	In practice, this commandment calls us to be faithful to our spouse
in our body as well as in our mind (Matt 5:27-30). Such fidelity involves
among other things: not seeking sexual experiences outside marriage; not
allowing the attractiveness of members of the opposite sex to become
deliberate fantasy of intimacy in our mind; repulsing thoughts of sexual
lust or perversion and refusing to be sexually stimulated by erotic books,
films or magazines; treating our spouse as the object of our love and
romance rather than as the means of sexual gratification; viewing sex as a
good gift of our Creator and as an expression of mutual and total
self-giving to a love relationship. The seventh commandment, then, calls
us to honor our marriage covenant by being sexually faithful to our spouse
both mentally and physically.

	The Eighth Commandment enjoins us to respect others by not stealing
what rightfully belongs to them: "You shall not steal" (Ex 20:15). This
commandment forbids any act by which we dishonestly obtain the goods or
services of others. We may steal from others in many subtle ways:
withholding or appropriating what rightfully belongs to others, taking
credit for the work done by others, robbing others of their reputation
through slanderous gossip, or by depriving others of the renumeration or
consideration they have a right to expect.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the eighth commandment summons us
to live in true community, without taking from our partners the right of
privacy and self-determination. In practice, this means that we must not
deprive our spouses of the right to make their decisions in demanding a
complete community of property. It means that one spouse must not control
the finances so that the other feels dispossessed. It means that we must
not hold back any security from our partner as a safety measure or
bargaining chip. It means that no sacrificial demands must be made of our
partners in order to please our personal desires or whims. It means that
we must not "steal" the individuality, dignity, and power of our spouses,
by making decisions for them. It means that, like Zacchaeus, we must be
willing to give back what we have taken from our spouse: freedom, money,
dignity, power, goods. The eighth commandment, then, calls us to honor our
marriage covenants by living in a true community, without "stealing" from
our partners their freedom, dignity, money, power, or goods.

	The Ninth Commandment enjoins us to respect others by speaking
truthfully about them: "You shall not bear false witness against your
neighbor" (Ex. 20:16). This commandment is violated by speaking evil of
others, misrepresenting their motives, misquoting their words, judging
their motives, and criticising their efforts. This commandment may also be
broken by remaining silent when hearing an innocent person unjustly
maligned. We are guilty of bearing "false witness" whenever we tamper with
truth in order to benefit ourselves or a cause that we espouse.
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the ninth commandment enjoins us
to be faithful communicators with our spouses. In practice, this involves
respecting our spouses' integrity by not "hitting them below the belt," or
by not exaggerating the truth about them, saying, for example, "You never
take my feelings in consideration ... You always do what you like ...."
It involves learning to understand not only the words but also the feelings
behind the words of our spouse. This enables us to interpret their
thoughts and feelings more accurately. We can bear false witness against
our spouses by projecting on them what we think they say or mean by certain
actions. We can bear false witness also by quoting our spouses out of
context or by suppressing information that would give more accurate
pictures of them. The ninth commandment, then, enjoins us to be faithful
communicators with our spouses by learning to accurately understand,
interpret and represent their words, actions and feelings.

	The Tenth Commandment supplements the eighth by attacking the root
from which theft grows, namely, coveteousness: "You shall not covet . . ."
(Ex 20:17). This commandment differs from the other nine by prohibiting
not only the outward act but also the inner thought from which the action
springs. It establishes the important principle that we are accountable
before God not only for our actions but also for our intentions. It also
reveals the profound truth that we need not be controlled by our natural
desire to covet what belongs to others, because by divine grace we can
control our unlawful desires and passions (Phil 2:13).
	Applied to the marriage covenant, the tenth commandment enjoins us
to be content and grateful for our spouses. In practice, this contentment
is expressed in different ways: refraining from comparing our spouses'
talents or performances with those of other spouses; welcoming and
rejoicing over our spouses' achievements, gifts, and experiences without
coveting them for ourselves; learning to express gratitude to God every day
for giving us the spouses we have; maintaining the proper reserve toward
persons of the opposite sex and reserving expressions of special affections
for our spouses; avoiding making unreasonable demands on our spouses to
force them to become like real or fictitious spouses we covet. The tenth
commandment, then, enjoins us to be content with and for our spouses, by
resisting the temptation to look for "greener grass over the other side of
the fence."

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Christian regards

Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University
4990 Appian Way
Berrien Springs, MI 49103
samuele@andrews.edu