HOW TO HANDLE MARITAL CONFLICTS
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Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University


	Some conflicts, as we have just seen, are inevitable in every
marriage because no two persons have exactly the same personalities,
attitudes, and values. Some of the differences do not come to light until
the couple has been married for some time. When the differences appear,
some conflicts are bound to arise.
	There is nothing wrong with conflicts, provided they serve a
constructive purpose by improving communication and strengthening marital
relationships. Sometimes conflicts can bring smoldering resentments to
surface, which, left unresolved, can destroy a marriage or at least cost
the psychic health of one or both partners.
	Conflicts, per se, are not necessarily bad or sinful. It is the
way conflicts are handled that determines their impact on the marriage
relationship. Conflicts may destroy a marriage, but they may also
strengthen it. A successful Christian marriage is not necessarily one in
which there are no conflicts, but rather one in which the partners have
learned to resolve their differences openly, honestly, and constructively.
	Unfortunately, in many instances, conflicts are detrimental to the
marriage relationship because they become a way to attack, wound, and
diminish the other partner. When a couple engages in name-calling,
ridiculing, and belittling each other, the result will only widen the gap
between them. To prevent conflicts from deteriorating into an all-out war,
it is important to observe the seven basic rules outlined below. These
rules, if obeyed, will enable a Christian couple to handle their conflicts
constructively, turning them into opportunities for removing obstacles to
a stronger marriage.


1. Be Committed to Preserve Your Marriage Covenant

	The first rule in handling marital conflicts successfully is to be
totally committed to preserving your marriage covenant. It is only within
the context of a loving and irrevocable commitment that marital conflicts
can be successfully resolved. When couples are determined not to let
anything or anyone put asunder the marital unions established by God (Matt
19:6), they can risk being honest and open in discussing their differences.
	If we are deeply committed to preserving our marriage covenants, we
will not allow any issue to divide us. We will not permit any argument to
degenerate into a hostile confrontation. We will not waste our time
quarreling over things we cannot change.
	There are many differences in marriage that by God's grace can be
overcome, but there are also inherited or acquired characteristics which we
cannot change. There is no point in my wife's criticizing me for my
baldness or for my heavy Italian accent. Similarly, there is no point for
my criticizing my wife for the shape of her nose or for the extra pounds
she has gained since we got married almost thirty years ago. Being
committed to preserving our marriage covenant means to ask God to make us
willing to accept what we cannot change, to give us courage to change what
needs to be changed, and to give us wisdom to know the difference.
	A total commitment is only possible by divine grace. It is God that
gives us the power to hold fast to our commitments. God is interested in
our marriages. He not only joins our lives together, but He is helping us
stay together when conflicts arise. He wants us to enjoy happy, harmonious
marriage relationships. He will move heaven and earth, if necessary, to
resolve any conflicts that may arise in our relationships. But He needs
our cooperation.
	We must take God as our partner into our marriage relationships by
keeping the fire ever burning on the altar of our daily worship. We must
begin and close each day praying together, renewing our commitment to God
and to each other. We must ask God daily for the enabling power of the
Holy Spirit to be truthful, kind, patient and understanding toward each
other. The couple that prays together stays together. As our love for God
increases, our love for one another will grow stronger and our capacity to
resolve conflicts will become greater.


2. Be Honest and Fair in Handling the Conflict

	A second important rule in handling marital conflicts is to be
honest and fair. Couples who are committed to preserving their marriage
covenants will not engage in "dirty fighting," hitting below the belt, or
lying to win the argument. Paul alludes to this principle in Ephesians
4:25 where he says: "Therefore, putting away falsehood, let everyone speak
the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another." The
verses that follow contain other significant principles to be considered.
The particular tense used in Greek for "putting away falsehood" (aorist
participle) conveys the idea of something already done at a specific point
in time. Thus, a literal translation would read: "Having put away
falsehood, let everyone speak truthfully with his neighbor."
	Applied to a marriage relation, this text challenges husbands and
wives who have laid aside falsehood from their lives and relationships to
speak truthfully to one another when conflicts arise. It is essential for
a couple to commit themselves to an honest relationship so that when
conflicts develop, they will not fall into the trap of lying to each other
just to win the argument. From the very beginning of their relationship, a
couple should commit themselves to being totally honest with each other.
They need to say: "Let us not try to kid one another by playing games. I
promise to be honest with you and I want you to be honest with me. If a
conflict occurs, let us not resort to unfair practices to win."
	The object of conflict should not be not to find fault or to assess
blame but to resolve problems. Marriage is not a competitive sport but a
cooperative endeavor. When a problem occurs, the goal should not be to
determine who is right and who is wrong, but to find a satisfactory
solution. "The attitude of partners," as Stephen Grunlan puts it, "should
not be a win/lose approach; that is, every solution involving a winner and
a loser. Rather, the attitude of partners should be a win/win approach.
The couple faces the problem together and when a solution is found, they
both win."9
	When the concern of spouses is for each to win the argument,
ultimately, they both become losers: first, because they will often
resort to unfair tactics to win, and second, because the outcome of the
conflict will be a weaker relationship where feelings of resentment and
bitterness remain and eventually lead to new confrontations. Thus, it is
most important for a couple to handle conflicts with honesty and fairness,
seeking the best solution to a problem, regardless of whose idea it is.


3. Keep Your Anger Under Control

	Besides being committed to honesty and fairness in handling
conflicts in marriage, the third rule is to keep your anger under control.
Paul alludes to this principle in Ephesians 4:26 where he says: "Be angry
but do not sin." We noticed that in the preceding verse Paul exhorts us to
speak truthfully to one another. This does not mean that a Christian
should never feel or express anger. Rather it means that truthful persons
will not allow their anger to become undiscipled and uncontrolled.
	Something essential would be missing in a marital partner who is
unable to feel or express anger. Obviously, there must be a right kind of
anger. There are situations where a partner will be aroused to the point
of indignation by overt wrongs committed by the other partner. A marriage
covenant would lose its meaning if, for example, spouses would not become
angry at the infidelity of their partners. This verse tells us that there
is a place in the Christian life for righteous indignation. God says: "I
permit you to be angry, but don't let your anger lead you to sin."
	We all know that anger becomes sinful when is expressed through
outbursts of temper, profane or insulting language, or physical violence.
Uncontrolled anger can become a deadly weapon which must be banished from
the Christian life. But the anger which is disciplined, selfless, and
pure, can be a great moral force in the world. This world would have lost
much without the righteous indignation of Jesus against human hypocrisy
(Mark 3:5; John 2:13-17).
	As sinful creatures, we are all subject to feelings of pride,
selfishness, fatigue, and anxiety which sometimes break out in
uncontrolled outbursts of anger and irritation. This ugly side of our
nature is revealed especially in marriage, the place where we can safely
blow off our steam and release our frustrations. At home, we can safely
unload our temper, anger, and tensions. Our angry outbursts, offensive
remarks, and sharp retort wound our partners who may also reveal their ugly
nature by retaliating with similar outbursts of rancor.
	Angry words, once spoken even unintentionally, are deadly weapons
that can wound and crush our mates permanently. Just as God's word does
not return empty but accomplishes its purpose (Is 55:11), so our words
will accomplish their purpose, even when we wish that they would not. A
man who in a moment of anger tells his wife, "Let's face it, I do not feel
like loving you anymore," will inflict upon her a permanent wound. So does
the cutting remark, "No wonder you act so irresponsibly. Your father died
in a mental hospital." Such cutting words cannot be easily forgotten.
Your mate may later say, "I forgive you," but deep inside, the hurt caused
by those words may never be healed. Angry words can gradually break that
inner covenant bond that holds marriages together. It is therefore,
essential to learn by divine grace to keep our anger under control.
	If a conflict gets out of control in our marriage, the only way to
still the storm is for the more spiritually mature partner to break the
cycle of mutual attack by refusing to retaliate for the hurt received.
This is the only way to bring to an end a marital fight.


4. Choose an Appropriate Time to Discuss a Problem

	This leads us to consider a fourth rule which is to choose an
appropriate time to discuss a problem. The wise man Solomon notes that
there is "a time to keep silence, and a time to speak . . . a time for war,
and a time for peace" (Eccl 3:7-8). This is certainly true of marital
conflicts. Marriage counselors agree that timing is critical to
constructive resolution of conflicts. George Gach and Peder Wyden write:
"Far too many fights become needlessly aggravated because the complaint
opens fire when his partner really is in an inappropriate frame of mind or
is trying to dash off to work or trying to concentrate on some long-delayed
chore that he has finally buckled down to. Indeed there are times when
failure to delay-or to advance-the timing of a fight can have cataclysmic
consequences."10
	There may be times when an issue has to be resolved immediately.
In most cases, however, conflicts develop over a period of time and can be
temporarily put off until an appropriate time. This is the procedure
followed in most organizations, and it should be followed in marriage.
	A basic rule to remember regarding the timing for discussing
problems is to avoid raising them just before anything that will not
provide adequate time to satisfactorily deal with them. For example, the
time just before a meal, just before going to bed, just before making love,
just before going to work, or just before going to church, is inappropriate
for dealing with unpleasant disagreements.
	The best time to discuss sensitive issues or serious differences is
when both husband and wife are well rested, wide awake and feeling at ease.
At such favorable times one can be more rational, considerate, and
accommodating. A wise husband or wife who knows the importance of proper
timing for discussing serious and disagreeable things will say, "I don't
think this is the best time to discuss this matter. Why don't we deal with
it later on when the children are in bed or after we have rested!" Having
said this,we must set a time and keep the appointment.
	Another important rule regarding timing is not to prolong the
discussion unduly. Anger, conflicts, and negative feelings must be
resolved as soon as possible because the longer we postpone mending a
conflict, the more difficult it will be to resolve it later. Paul
emphasizes this important rule in Ephesians 4:26-27, saying: "Do not let
the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." This
means that we must never go to sleep with bitter feelings or thoughts
against our partners. If there has been a conflict during the day or in
the evening, we must make peace and banish any lingering negative feelings
before we go to sleep. The longer we allow bitter feelings to flourish,
the more difficult it will be to eradicate them later.


5. Stick to the Issue at Hand

	A fifth important rule to remember in handling marital conflicts is
to stick to the issue at hand. When a couple chooses an appropriate time
to discuss a certain problem (rule four), they should use that time to
address that particular issue and not to bring up all their past problems.
	Stephen Grunlan relates the story of a woman who complained to her
friend that her husband became historical every time they had an argument.
"Her friend corrected her by saying, 'You mean he becomes hysterical.'
'No,' replied the woman, 'I mean historical. Whenever we have an argument,
he brings up every related problem since we have been married.'"11
	Marriage counselors emphasize the importance of sticking to the
issue at hand. Dragging past grievances into the matter under discussion
will hinder the resolution of the immediate conflict. It may also open old
wounds and thus aggravate the situation.
	Sticking to the issue also involves avoiding sweeping
generalization and accusation. The following argument will serve to
illustrate this point:
	Husband: You left the lawn mower out in the backyard yesterday and
now the motor is soaked from last night's rain. When will you ever learn
to put things away in the proper place.
	Wife: Look who is talking. You leave your shoes all over the
house, and I have to pick them up and put them away all the time.
	In this argument, the lawn mower is generalized and used as a
pretext to launch a sweeping accusation. The wife defends herself by
launching a counterattack totally unrelated to the issue involved. The
end result is that a minor incident can turn into a hostile confrontation.
How different the outcome would have been if the husband had stuck to the
original issue and the wife had been willing to accept responsibility.
Imagine the conversation going something like this:
	Husband: Honey, did you know that you left the lawn mower out in
the backyard yesterday, and the motor got soaked with rain last night?
	Wife: Oh no! I completely forgot to bring in the lawn mower. I'm
sorry. Will you be able to get the motor started now?
	Husband: I think so, but I will have to pull out the spark plug
and dry it. I hope you won't leave the lawn mower out again.
	Wife: No, I'll be sure to bring it in next time. I'm sorry for
causing you extra work.
	Husband: No problem. Just remember it next time.
	This conversation brings a happy ending to the incident of the lawn
mower, leaving the question of the shoes for another discussion. The
husband disciplines himself by sticking to the issue of the lawn mower
while the wife acknowledges her responsibility. An apology and forgiveness
settles the issue. Minor incidents such as this can be easily resolved
when partners stick to the issue and acknowledge responsibility. Failure
to do so can cause minor problems to balloon into serious altercations.
6. Listen Carefully and Speak Tactfully

	Closely related to a responsible attitude of sticking to the issue
at hand (rule five) is rule six: listen carefully to the words of your
mate and speak tactfully. Conflicts in marriage should serve to improve
communication by helping partners know better how each feels and thinks
about an issue.
	Communication presupposes listening. Learning to listen carefully
to the words of a mate is essential in handling conflicts. Yet, this rule
of effective listening is most difficult to implement because in a conflict
situation when a person is talking, the other is not listening but is
thinking about how to respond. The louder our voices and the uglier our
words, the less our spouses will listen and the poorer will be our
communication.
	It is important to listen carefully to understand what the real
issue is. For example, a husband may complain over the fact that his wife
bought a new vacuum cleaner rather than having the old one repaired. In
reality, what he may be complaining about is the fact that his wife did not
consult him. He may fear that his wife does not think that he is
responsible for the home. Or a wife may complain that her husband spends
little time with her when what she really means is that her husband does
not seem to care enough for her.
	When a couple argues and fights, they need to make sure that they
understand what they are really fighting about. This is possible only by
learning to listen carefully to each other and to ask questions that may
help uncover those hidden feelings which are the cause of the conflict.
	Understanding the issue through careful listening and questioning
is the first important step. Equally important is the next step of
speaking tactfully and graciously. Paul expresses this principle in
Ephesians 4:29, saying: "Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but
only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart
grace to those who hear."
	A Christian is called upon to refrain from harsh, evil speaking and
to engage instead in edifying speech which imparts grace and encouragement
to others. This requires learning to be courteous and tactful in our
speaking. Tact involves being sincere and open while at the same time
showing respect for the other person's feelings, and being careful not to
hurt them unnecessarily. Christ is our perfect example of tactfulness and
courtesy even toward His persecutors. As His followers we should manifest
the same attitude, especially toward our family members.
	True courtesy and tactfulness in speech is not learned merely by
practising a few rules of etiquette, but through a renewal of the heart.
It is only when the heart has been touched by the love of Christ that
people will feel motivated to listen carefully and to speak tactfully to
all, especially to their marital partners.


7. Be Willing to Forgive and to Forget

	The success of the preceding six rules in resolving marital
conflicts is largely dependent upon the seventh rule which is to be willing
to forgive and to forget the wrongs of your mate. Ideally, marital
conflicts should always be handled in a controlled and rational way,
leading to greater communication between mates. Realistically, however, in
every marriage there are times when conflicts become uncontrolled and
irrational. There are situations, when because of fatigue, pride,
selfishness, anxiety, the ugly side of our nature breaks out in angry
outbursts, cutting remarks, abusive language, or irrational accusations.
Such behavior awakens the equally ugly side in our mates who may retaliate
similarly with angry and abusive language.
	The only way to bring a conflict which has gotten out of control to
a satisfactory end, is for one partner to break the retaliation cycle by
forgiving the other partner for the hurt received. In Christian marriages
forgiveness must be patterned after the forgiveness Christ offers us. He
forgives us in spite of the pain and sorrow we have caused Him. On the
cross, Christ forgave those who crucified Him, saying: "Father, forgive
them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). When we forgive, we
acknowledge that we have suffered a real wrong which by God's grace we
choose to forget.
	In a covenant marriage, we recognize the sin that our mates have
committed against us. We do not explain away the sinful behaviour of our
mate by saying, "He did not mean what he said," or "Probably I deserve what
he did to me," or "I do not feel really hurt by what he did to me."
Rather, we realistically recognize that we have suffered wrong, but we do
not allow such wrongs to weaken our mutual commitment. Why? First,
because we recognize that we are sinful beings who sometimes hurt each
other terribly. We violate the deepest trust of our mates. We trample
upon their unconditional love. Second, because we realize that since God
can forgive our mates, so can we.
	Forgiveness in a marriage covenant must be as unconditional as is
Christ's forgiveness to us. In Ephesians 4:32, Paul writes: "And be kind
to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ
forgave you." God forgave us in Christ, not after we promised to reform
and obey, but "while we were yet sinners" (Rom 5:8). In the same way, we
must forgive our mates not only if they promise never to wrong us again,
but simply because God in Christ has forgiven us.
	This means that when we forgive, we must be willing to forget the
wrong we have suffered. The Scripture reassures us that God's forgiveness
involves forgetting our sinful actions: "I, I am He who blots out your
transgressions for my own sake, I will not remember your sins" (Is 43:25).
"As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our
transgressions from us" (Ps 103:17; cf. Jer 31:34; 2 Cor 5:17-19).
	Forgiveness in a marriage covenant involves forgetting the wrongs a
mate has committed and choosing not to recount them later. If we continue
to remember and to bring up past grievances every time a conflict breaks
out, then we have not truly forgiven our mate because genuine forgiveness
means blot ting out past wrongs from memory (Acts 3:19). Such a forgiveness
is possible when we personally have experienced the blessing of God's
forgiveness in our lives. When the love of Christ has flooded our hearts,
we will have the motivating power to forgive.
	Genuine forgiveness makes us free to love, to trust, and to grow
with our mates. It enables us to break the cycle of retaliatory attacks.
If we have been wounded by the words or actions of our mates, we refuse to
retaliate by returning words or actions in kindness. Such an attitude can
calm tensions and create a pleasant atmosphere conducive to a rational
discussion of the problem.
	A couple willing to forgive each other will also help each other to
repent of wrong doings. In the Christian life, we are led to repentance by
the convicting power of the Holy Spirit which reveals to us our sinfulness
and God's forgiving grace. When we experience God's forgiving grace in our
lives, we feel sorry for our past sins, and we sincerely want to walk in
newness of life. The same is true in the marital relationship. If my wife
forgives me, I will feel sorry for my wrong doings, and I will seek not to
betray her love and trust again. Forgiveness gives us a chance to begin
again and develop a stronger relationship because it is based on the power
of forgiving love which can conquer conflicts and reconcile us to God and
to one another.


CONCLUSION

	Some conflicts are inevitable in every marriage because no two
persons have exactly the same personality, attitude, and values. A
successful Christian marriage is not necessarily one in which there are no
conflicts, but rather one in which partners have learned to handle their
conflicts constructively, turning them into opportunities for improving
communication and building a stronger marriage covenant. We have found
that seven basic rules can help in turning conflicts into constructive
opportunities.
	First, we must be totally committed to preserving our marriage
covenant. It is only within the context of a loving and steadfast
commitment that marital conflicts can be successfully resolved.
	Second, we must be honest and fair in handling marital conflicts,
avoid hitting below the belt or lying to win the argument. Our concern
should be to find the best solution to the problem, irrespective of who
wins or loses.
	Third, we must learn to keep our anger under control, avoiding
outbursts of anger, insulting language, and cutting remarks. If the
conflict gets out of control, the more spiritually mature partner will seek
to still the storm by refusing to retaliate for the hurt received.
	Fourth, we must choose an appropriate time to discuss a problem,
avoiding raising issues just before anything that would not provide
adequate time to deal with them satisfactorily.
	Fifth, we must learn to stick to the issue at hand, and not use the
occasion to bring up past grievances. This includes avoiding sweeping
generalizations and accusations.
	Sixth, we must learn to listen carefully to the words of our mates
and to speak tactfully. Such an approach will make it possible to uncover
hidden feelings which may be the cause of the conflict.
	Seventh, we must be willing to forgive and to forget the wrongs of
our mates, not because we are morally upright, but because we have
experienced God's forgiving grace in our lives. By learning to forgive and
to forget, we become free to love, to trust, and to grow into a stronger
covenant relationship.


NOTES ON CHAPTER IV


	9. Stephen A. Grunlan, Marriage and the Family. A Christian
Perspective (Grand Rapids, 1984), p. 209.

	10. George R. Bach and Peter Wyden, The Intimate Enemy: How to
Fight Fair in Love and Marriage (New York, 1968), p. 70.

	11. Stephen A. Grunlan (n. 9), p. 208

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Christian regards

Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University
4990 Appian Way
Berrien Springs, MI 49103
samuele@andrews.edu