THE COMMITMENT OF A MARRIAGE COVENANT
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Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University


NOTE: This is the second segment of the series on how to build a
happy and lasting marital relationship following Biblical principles. In
this segment we shall look at four characteristics of a marriage covenant,
namely, its total, exclusive, continuing and growing commitment. If you are
unable to find a segment or wish to have the unabridged version with
footnotes, feel free to contact me.

	Total Commitment. To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means
first of all to be willing to make a total commitment of ourselves to our
marriage partners. This is why Paul in Ephesians compares marriage to the
relationship of Christ with His church (Eph 5:25-26). Christ's commitment
to us, the church, is so total that He loved us while we were yet
unfaithful (Rom 5:8) and gave up His life that we may live (Eph 5:25).
	When Christian couples enter into a marriage covenant, they are
committing themselves to maintaining their marital union, no matter what.
This total commitment is set forth in the marriage vows: "for better and
for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health."
	By taking the marriage vows, Christian mates promise to each other
what is well expressed by Elizabeth Achtemeier: "I will be with you, no
matter what happens to us and between us. If you should become blind
tomorrow, I will be there. If you achieve no success and attain no status
in our society, I will be there. When we argue and are angry, as we
inevitably will, I will work to bring us together. When we seem totally at
odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will persist in trying
to understand and in trying to restore our relationship. When our marriage
seems utterly sterile and going nowhere at all, I will believe that it can
work and I will want it to work and I will do my part to make it work. And
when all is wonderful and we are happy, I will rejoice over our life
together, and continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and
strong."4
	Such a total commitment is possible only by divine grace. It is
God who gives us power to hold fast to our commitment. This is the unseen
factor often ignored in marriage manuals. What is true for salvation is
also true for a committed marriage: there is both a divine initiative and a
human response. As Paul puts it, "work out your own salvation with fear
and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his
good pleasure" (Phil 2:12-13). We must work to achieve total and permanent
commitment in our marriages and yet recognize that it is God who is at
work in and through us to make this goal possible.

	Exclusive Commitment. To accept marriage as a sacred covenant
means also to be willing to make an exclusive commitment of ourselves to
our marital partners. It means, as the marriage vows put it, "to forsake
all others" and "to keep thee only unto her [or him], so long as ye both
shall live." This understanding of the marriage covenant is under severe
attack in our sexually permissive society where immoral connotations of
illicit sexual acts have been eliminated through the introduction of new
"softer" terms. Fornication is now referred to as "premarital sex," with
the emphasis on the "pre" rather than on the "marital." Adultery is now
called "extramarital sex," implying an additional experience, like an
extraprofessional activity.
	A landmark survey of 100,000, women conducted by Redbook Magazine
and supervised by sociologist Robert Bell of Temple University, indicates
that about one third of all married women and almost half (47%) of
wage-earning wives reported "having sexual relations with men other than
their husbands."5 Considering that men tend to be more promiscuous than
women, we can safely assume that the percentage of married men having
extramarital relations is even higher.
	In view of the prevailing violation of marital vows, as Christians
we face today an unprecedented challenge to maintain by God's grace our
exclusive commitment to our marriage partners. Exclusive commitment extends
beyond the sexual sphere and includes forming relationships with friends or
relatives closer than those with our spouses. By taking third parties into
the confidences of our marital life, we undermine the exclusiveness of our
marital commitments. Ellen White warns that "When a woman relates her
family troubles or complaints of her husband to another man, she violates
her marriage vows; she dishonors her husband and breaks down the wall
erected to preserve the sanctity of the marriage relation; she throws wide
open the door and invites Satan to enter with his insidious temptations.
This is just as Satan would have it."7

	Continuing Commitment. To accept marriage as a sacred covenant
also means to be willing to make a continuing commitment to one's marital
partner. Time changes things, including our looks and our feelings. When
my fiancee accepted my marriage proposal, I was rather thin with nice wavy
hair. Thirty years later I find myself considerably heavier with a shining
top. I am thankful to God that the change in my looks has not caused my
wife to change her commitment to me. Marital commitment must continue
through the changing seasons of our lives. With each change in our lives,
our marital commitments must be renewed.
	To speak today of a continuing commitment may seem naive when about
half of all American marriages are dissolved by divorce or annulment every
year.8 Yet, to approach marriage with an openness to divorce is to deny
the Biblical meaning of the one-flesh, permanent covenantal relationship.
In His response to the question raised over divorce, Jesus was unequivocal
in affirming that marriage is a continuing, lasting commitment: "What
therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matt 19:6;
Mark 10:9).
	A young couple contemplating marriage needs to consider whether or
not both are prepared to make a continuing commitment to one another. But
a continuing commitment to our marriage partners is not accomplished once
and for all. It must be reaffirmed each day, when we are healthy or sick,
wealthy or poor, happy or sad, successful or failing. In all the changing
moods of life, we must determine by God's grace to reaffirm our marriage
commitments until death doth us part.
	Sometime ago, a woman told me that she had filed for divorce
because her feelings toward her husband had changed. She did not feel in
love with him anymore. The counsel of Ellen White to such people is to
change their dispositions, not their marriage partners: "If your
dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for
you to change these dispositions?"9 The good news of the Gospel is that
our feelings and dispositions can be changed through Christ's enabling
power (Phil 4:13). Divine grace makse a continuing commitment to marriage
not a possibility, but a reality

	Growing Commitment. To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means
also to experience a growing commitment which deepens and matures through
life's experiences. The Christian life is a call to grow "to the measure of
the stature of the fullness of Christ" (Eph 4:13), until we love with the
fulness of His love. The same call applies to our marriage relationships.
There must be a maturing and deepening of our commitment to each other.
When marriage commitment stops growing, it begins to wither away.
	Growth in commitment to marriage is not achieved overnight. It is
a continuous daily process lasting through the whole course of our married
lives. It involves, among other things, following the model of Christ's
love for His church by being willing to sacrifice selfish wants for the
good of the other, being willing to love even when love is not
reciprocated. It involves also accepting unsuspected flaws in the
character of our partners and working together to resolve
misunderstandings, tensions, or hostilities.
	Growth in our marital commitment often takes place through deaths
and resurrections. There are times in our marital relationship when
communication becomes very difficult, if not impossible. Hurt, hostility,
and resentment seem to prevail. Yet, as we learn by God's grace to put to
death and to bury all such ill-feeling, out of that dying, new life comes
in our relationship.
	The sad reality is that many marriages do not grow in maturity and
love. Rather than expending energies to keep their relationships
improving, some marriage partners settle down into a dull drum routine. To
find a way out of such dullness, some partners seek for excitement and
growth in extramarital relationships. In so doing, however, they only add
misery to their lives by violating their marriage covenant and by putting
asunder the marital unity formed by God.
	Conclusion. To live out marriage as a sacred covenant means to be
willing to make a total, exclusive, continuing and growing commitment to
our marriage partner. When we commit ourselves to honor by God's grace our
marriage covenant of mutual faithfulness until death, then we will
experience how God is able mysteriously to unite two lives into "one
flesh."

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Christian regards

Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
Professor of Theology and Church History
Andrews University
4990 Appian Way
Berrien Springs, MI 49103
samuele@andrews.edu